running scared.

I was never a runner.

I was awful at soccer as a kid because I didn't run like the girls who were actually good (I stopped playing because one girl made fun of me). I started swimming on a team when I was 10 and never looked back. When we ran during the first week of high school team practice when I was a freshman, I was slow and couldn't keep up. One coach told me once that swimmers don't need to be runners, so I listened and never focused on running. (Now I know that's not really true but my 15-year-old brain found it to be a great excuse.)

Now I want to be a runner. Some might say I am a runner because I have done a few 5ks and a 10k. And I'm starting to focus on that half marathon in December. But I still have a long way to go. And I'm scared.

I'm not scared of the distance.
I'm not scared to be slower than my friends.
I'm not scared to do the training.

I'm scared of getting hurt.

I had shin splints. With some help from ART and a shift in my form (from heavy heel-striking to mid-foot-striking), shin splints are gone.

I felt something "snap" back in July on a run. I stopped running for a while.

I had such a tight posterior tibialis muscle - a pain I had never felt before, not even with shin splints - that I was concerned that I had a stress fracture. I stopped running for a while. Thankfully, it was just a muscle, but still.

Lately, my ankles have been so stiff that it's hard to walk up and down stairs after I run, even after icing and stretching.

I want to run. I want to be faster than I am now. But I am scared of being hurt.

I'm used to being sore. Swimming a lot makes you sore, especially when you're putting in yards you haven't in a while. But being sore from swimming and being sore from running are different things. In swimming, I can tell the difference between being sore and being injured. In running, for me at least, it's a little harder.

You probably don't care. Running might be easier for you, or you don't do it at all. Maybe you think running is stupid. But I am still trying to figure out how to tell if I am just feeling dead or if my legs really need a break.

Tomorrow I am taking a break from swimming, just to sleep. I need to get rid of this blah feeling and twitchy eye that I have been dealing with today. Then, I'm going to try to convince myself that I am OK, and running is OK, and I can do this. I think I question myself on sore vs. injury because I am scared of pushing myself.

But why?

I know how to push myself. I just need to get my shit together and actually prove it.